long story short, i'm awkward.

hey guys.

everyone has been harassing me to update this blog. (that last sentence was a lie) and i'm thinking "ok. ok....ok. i get it. i'll update." slight problem. i don't really have anything to talk about. i mean, i guess i could post pictures of my daily outfits because that's not a total waste of time plus it makes you look super humble. and people are always like "morgan, your outfits are always amazing! i wish i could dress like you! where did you get that top?" and i'm like "ross."

but i don't feel like doing that. instead, i think i'll continue not doing homework and tell you all a story. this is going to be long and awkward and you probably won't want to be my facebook friend after reading this but oh well. only a few people know this story so you should feel honored that i'm letting you into my life. i'm being like the bachelor brad and opening up by sharing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when i was in high school there was a boy by the name of (i can't say his real name. so let's just call him boy.) boy thought i was mentally retarded. and i say that with 100% seriousness. boy and i never hung out but our older sisters were good friends so we knew each other by association. he had his friends and i had my ipod. fun fact about boy: he walked on water. he was captain of everything, president of everything, king of everything, honors student, and bonafied all around nice guy. naturally every girl was in love with him.

except for me.

i just didn't see the appeal. sure he was the real life version of ken, but he had weak humor and wore running shoes with everything. whenever dance season came around the girls would get gussied up for school all in hopes of getting his attention and securing a date to the dance. it was during these weeks that i would sit in the corners of hawk hall wearing the same shirt i slept in the night before and watch the chaos unfold. once a date had been snagged the uproar was soon to follow. dirty looks were thrown around as well as the phrases "she's such a skank." "she doesn't deserve him." "what does he see in her anyway?" and my personal favorite "i'm way cuter and way funner than her!"

our senior year the girls came back with a vengeance. poor boy was being claimed and traded left and right and he had no idea. our winter formal dance (girls choice) was in december, so it seemed only normal for girls to start asking the boys in early october right? one night a dear friend of mine and i were hanging out, talking about the obsession that is boy. word on the street was he hadn't been asked yet (of course he hadn't. it was effing october) and that's when my friend had one of her most brilliant ideas. she would ask boy to winter formal and anger every other girl in our student body. it was at that moment i was proud to call her my friend. the best part was, boy didn't know my friend that well but we both knew he was too nice to say no.

my friend asked him to the dance the following evening. and i don't remember how. minor details aren't that important. (boy wore a red shirt to the dance.) the next week at school was amazing. we had put my friend on the map and every girl loathed her.

this is when the story starts evolving my dear readers. the night of winter formal our group met up at some restaurant. my date was a good guy friend who was bad for me because he was one of the few people that could bring out my weirdest and darkest side without even blinking an eye. we were late to dinner. shocker. and some of the douchebag couples decided to stagger the seating arrangement leaving an empty table with one chair pushed up against the larger one. of course i got stuck at the empty table. my date was to my right at the large table along with my friend and boy.

because i'm me, i started talking to the empty chair across the table. my date sat quietly next to me trying to hold in his laughter. i continued doing this for the next 10 minutes and looked up to see boy staring at me with a confused expression on his face. i smiled and slouched over in my seat. 5 minutes later my button fell off my sweater. i started searching through my hair for a bobby pin and when successfully found, started fumbling around with the button, trying to somehow pin it back on. like i was freaking macgyver. again, i looked up to see boy staring at me. and sometimes i like to play this game where i pretend i'm blind and i grab your face and act like i'm discovering your beauty for the first time with my hands. my date and i started playing this and of course i looked over and caught boy's eye.

i tried avoiding him the rest of the night and was successful until i tripped on air (happens a lot) and reached out to grab the nearest person. it was boy. i mumbled something about vertigo and he just stared.

a couple of weeks later my sister asked me to go pick something up for her from her friend's house. her friend who just so happened to be the older sister of boy. i brought a friend with me who, naturally, was in love with boy. everything was going well, we hadn't even seen boy. but because my life loves me, he walked into the foyer. my friend turned beet red and forgot how to speak. i gave him an awkward greeting and said something about us needing to go and turned to walk out the door. except it wouldn't open and there were jingle bells on the knob and i got distracted and started pawing at them and meowing like a cat. it got really quiet and i swear my friend was ready to kill me. she stepped in front and swatted at my hands until i stopped, wherein she shoved me out the door. i had a confused look on my face. "i just wanted to play with the bells!"

talk about a graceful exit.

second semester senior year.

morp time was right around the corner. one day my friend ran up to me in the parking lot and breathlessly announced that 2 girls had asked boy to morp within an hour of each other. without missing a beat i asked for his number and stored it in my phone. i texted him saying "dear boy. will you go to morp with me?" he replied and asked "who this was" to which i answered "names aren't important right now. just say yes so i can buy our outfits." i wasn't expecting a response. and i didn't get one.

later that night i was at work and when i was on my break i checked my phone to see i had 3 missed calls from a number i didn't recognize. i called the number back and a stranger answered. i asked him who he was and he said "oh names aren't important. but we all know who you are." at this moment a room full of boys started screaming my name. i yelled into the phone and hung up. and that's when i realized those boys had called my phone and got my voicemail that said you've reached morgan wood.

oops.

not only did boy think i was mentally challenged, but he now thought i was in love with him. and that's when i made the biggest mistake of my life. deciding to take advantage of the situation, i proceeded to send him creepy texts throughout the semester up until graduation. i do not know why i did this, but it happened.

graduation came and went, and we saw each other at random events. and each time we saw each other i was tripping on something, choking on something, spilling juice on something, or saying something completely inappropriate. our final encounter was one for the books. everyone had gone away to college and naturally i had stayed home to attend community college because i had big dreams for myself. one weekend i drove up to see my friends at their "prestigous" university. and of course i ran into boy. well, technically he ran into me.

you see, i was outside my friend's apartment doing who knows what with my hoodie pulled over my face. that's when i heard my friend yell "boy? what are you doing here?!" i chose to ignore that comment and continued flailing around until something large and muscular slammed into me. i ripped the hoodie off my head and looked into the eyes of boy. when he realized it was me his pupils shrank and he took 2 steps back. my friend saved the day by calling him over and having small talk. i pulled my hoodie tight over my face again and stood there waiting for him to leave. and that's when i heard him ask "hey, is she gonna be ok? she's always been a little off. am i right?"

and that's the story of how the most popular boy in school thought i was mentally challenged.

the end.