h8erz gunna h8

if anyone were to ask me what my all time low is, i'd probably say right now. you guys i just spent the last four hours of my life watching a couple's therapy marathon on vh1. and there's still two episodes left. the only time i moved was when i ran upstairs to put sweatpants on. i mean look at this train wreck.

watching all this therapy and relationship recovery has made me super annoyed because there aren't enough recovery programs in this world and we need to make a change. there are serious issues out there that are not being addressed and once again it's morgan to the rescue, shedding light on controversial matters. i guess it's my cross to bear. if this were a utopian society none of these issues would be at hand. but it's not. it's 2012 and we're all mediocre. so that being said, i'm offering some services to help people recover from their problems.

over tweezing: if you've let your eyebrows get so thin that it looks like there are tadpoles living above your eyes, it's time for an intervention. 

treatment: 

a harsh reality check. you will be forced to quit any sort of tweezing or waxing regime cold turkey. i can assure you this will be extremely beneficial and bring you more happiness than you could ever dream possible. 

weddings that look like pinterest threw up on them: if people ask you what your plans are for your upcoming wedding and your response is similar to: "EVERYTHING IS ORIGINAL/VINTAGE/HANDMADE/QUIRKY/ BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MY PERSONALITY IS! PLUS PEOPLE LOVE DRINKING FROM MASON JARS WHILE WEARING FAKE MUSTACHES!" it's time for an intervention. 

treatment: 

deactivation of any and all pinterest accounts. we will then sit you in front of a screen where we will proceed to treat you with shock therapy. you will be exposed to hundreds upon hundreds of wedding pictures that look exactly the same. if you ever feel the urge to repin an image, you will be electrocuted (we can't afford a machine that does that so really it's just gonna be one of the interns sitting on the floor, pinching your leg. tomato tomahto). 

ugg boots: if you have terrible style/still think it's 2001, you need an intervention. 

treatment: 

burn those suckers or we will be forced to amputate your feet.  

seeking validation through daily outfit posts or "ootd": we get it fashion gurlz, we get it. if your instagram profile looks any thing like this, you need an intervention.  

treatment: 

go live in a third world country for a year. nobody's gonna care where you bought your skirt. 

talking about your boyfriend/fiancee/husband/significant other and then posting pictures of them and all the romantic things they do: this is rude. just stop. you need an intervention.

treatment: 

i will send you this picture every single day with the caption "look at all of the sweet presents my non existent husband didn't buy me!" 

this will send you on a guilt trip and force you to realize that maybe if you didn't run that ragnar with your gal pals and dropped 20 lbs, you'd still be fat and single like the rest of us, going on dates with netflix every weekend. 

k i have to finish watching my marathon now. courtney's therapist just implemented a dress code! bye

help demanded. inquire within.

i hate it when magazines rag on celebrities for being all high maintenance and having ridiculous demands. if i had that kind of power i would totally abuse it too. there are so many things in my life that i would be great at making other people do instead. i've wasted dedicated a lot of time thinking about how i would manipulate people into being my personal assistant and what their job would entail. this is just a rough outline though so calm down.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO MORGAN MARILYN WOOD

BY SIGNING THIS CONTRACT I HEREBY AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS & CONDITIONS:

1. miss wood would like to be referred to as "the temptress empress".

2. no eye contact whatsoever.

3. the weather can cause miss wood to be temperamental. you need to be prepared to cater to her needs if and when she calls upon you. this may include buckling her seat belt when it's too hot, commanding the rain to cease, driving to the nearest quick trip twelve times a day to replenish her thirst, telling her she looks pretty when the dry, cold air causes her hair to suffer from static electricity, etc, etc. 

4. laugh at her jokes even when they're not funny. she needs to be validated twenty four-seven otherwise she will slip into a deep depression.

5. when she has received a voice mail it is your job to listen to it, delete it, and then relay the message to her. she hates to be bothered with human interaction as well as the little red notifications that pop up on her iphone. THOSE RED NOTIFICATIONS SHOULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN CARE OF BEFORE SHE LOOKS AT HER PHONE.

this is a no no

6. everyday at four o' clock she will need an ice cold diet coke. she will only drink it if there is pebbled ice and is in a soft styrofoam cup. never ever give her a bendy straw.

7. every wednesday is beauty day. it is imperative that she has completed her facial before her cuticle specialist arrives.

8. miss wood tends to overreact ninety percent of the time. it is your job to justify her behavior and ratify her emotions. examples: if she gets teary eyed while talking about titanic, an appropriate response would be asking if she would like to watch it while braiding her hair. if she gets angry because someone cuts her off in traffic, stay quiet and let her yell out a few choice words. then applaud her for being honest with her emotions. if she has a bad face day, stroke her ego until she semi blushes and then text her pictures of ryan gosling.

9. keep her car clean at all times. she has a tendency to hoard things. just last month numerous odds and ends were acquired when giving her chevrolet tracker a deep spring cleaning.

10. never bring miss wood around horses or high school girls. you will be terminated immediately.

COMPENSATION:

you will be paid never and benefits are trite compliments and a handful aspirin if you have a sick day. 

you guys probably won't even understand any of this.

there needs to be new stuff to read on this thing. you guys listen to me i have important things i want to say. holy crap it's already march. you know that thing people do at the beginning of every year where they talk non stop about going on a diet or learning a new language or other lame stuff. i'm always just like "k stop it. can't we all just bask in each other's mediocrity?" new years resolutions are so gay. except when i make them. i only made one resolution this year: become as pretentious as humanly possible. there are a lot of things that go into this and i'm only going to share a few tips with you because i honestly don't care that much. being pretentious is a way of life. it takes emotional commitment. it's strenuous and tests you; mind, body, and soul. you guys seriously wouldn't understand, it's just like....it's.....i can't even right now. none of you can see me, but i just rolled my eyes. 

here are a few examples of my chic behavior. 

sending this picture taken with my iPhone to a select few with the caption "i don't know what's better, the zero calories i'm going to consume today or the fact that i just mastered this piece in like four minutes." 

showing up late to EVERYTHING with no excuse to back me up. 

wearing my sunglasses inside and forgetting to smile. people then ask me "are you ok? are you sick? what's going on?" and that's when i rub so much fancy people stuff in their face. "oh i'm fine. i'm just really tired. i was up late last night reading the bell jar. have you read it? when i was in europe i visited this underground gallery, i dated the curator for a spell so he got me in for free, and there was this exhibit featured where all of the work was inspired by the words of ms. plath herself. it was whatever." and then i slowly take my sunglasses off and polish them on my $800 dollar shirt all while never making eye contact. 

never dressing up when i'm supposed to and over dressing when i'm not.

correcting people's grammar.

saying things like "you've probably never heard of it." "i can't. i have this thing i have to be at." "you've probably never seen it." "take it from me, being someone's muse is kind of overrated." "you've probably never read it." "i don't have time to for tv." "you've probably never been there." "no one gets me."

taking 20 seconds to answer someone's question. 

name dropping.

counting all my money.

i'm so over this.

cutie stuff part 2

norah bowman

7 pounds 3 ounces

january 11, 2012

needless to say, we're all a little obsessed. hil was a champion and has already set a new standard for mothers everywhere. norah, you are loved by so many people it's kind of ridiculous. welcome to the world baby girl! we love you so much!


Norah from morgan wood on Vimeo.

cutie stuff.

i'm really hoping all of you read hilary's married blog or whatever. because she posted about how she's pregs! this news is long overdue. i suck at blogging about real life you guys. I'M SORRY OK. but it's fine because i'm going to be the greatest aunt in the entire world. there's less than a month before baby girl bowman arrives so i feel like i need to prepare some pearls of wisdom for my future BFF.

gettin' preggy wit it. 

to my niece:

A BUNCH OF CRAP YOU SHOULD KNOW BECAUSE IT WILL HELP MAKE YOUR LIFE A LITTLE EASIER.

1. never perm your hair. ever. 

  2. my jokes will always be funny. 

3. play an instrument. but not one that's in marching band, band girls are notorious for being loose. 

4. don't be loose. 

5. play a sport. but not softball, softball girls are notorious for being lesbians.

6. don't be a lesbian.

7. listen to good music.

8. hold eye contact when talking to people. 

9. hang out with the funny kids. you may get confused and think the cool kids are the funny kids, but believe me, there is a difference. 

10. if a waiter asks if you want a to-go cup, ALWAYS say yes.

11. have a lot of friends, from all walks of life. 

12. get a job when you're sixteen and keep it for a long time. it looks good on future resumes. plus it's a great way to make all of your unemployed peers feel like lazy idiots. 

13. diet coke > diet pepsi. 

14. read.

15. don't compare yourself to other girls. if you do, we'll get your yearbook out and i will say something mean about every single girl in your school. 

16. write thank you cards. they go a long way.

17. find something to be passionate about. 

18. embrace your awkward stage. it's the only time in your life you have a free pass to look terrible. 

19. be open.

20. go to your mom for boy advice. i got nothing. 

21. don't slouch.

22. if something terrible happens to someone, instead of asking what happened, ask how you can help. 

23. no matter what anyone tries to tell you, hogwarts is real.

24. go on lots of awkward first dates. the stories to follow are always worth it.

25. don't be an attention whore. 

26. you only need to shave if people are going to see your legs.  

27. rolling your eyes can be funny when used correctly.

28. don't interrupt people.

29. be nice to everyone.

30. don't over tweeze your eyebrows.

this list could go on for days so i'm choosing to stop here. i love you baby girl! can't wait to meet you in january. 

love,

auntie morgan. 

ENOUGH WITH THIS QUOTE

this is just a really condescending way of telling me to take my xanax and shut up.

if you're easily offended, then please don't read this.

nobody asked me to update this thing but i'm doing it anyway. i want to tell a story that is rated PG-13. if the words "KY warming liquid" offend any of you, then stop effing reading. when i was twelve years old i graduated primary and entered the young women's program. this is a huge milestone for any young LDS girl because being in young women's means you get to feel insecure all the time and go to girls camp every summer. my first summer in young women's was nearing which meant it was almost time for GIRLS CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!! aka the worst three days of any normal human being's life. every week our leaders would remind us that we needed to raise money for camp and they would always have different suggestions for us. i don't remember how exactly, but my best friend sarah trott and i were somehow forced into going over to some old lady's house for slave labor. "she'll pay you girls and maybe treat you to breakfast!!!" (five bucks, a stale granola bar, and warm tap water.) sarah's mom dropped us off at this elderly woman's house bright and early on a saturday morning and i still remember walking into that dark, musty house and hearing the car drive away. we were stranded. the lady greeted us with a long list of chores and quickly put us to work. the tasks started out simple: dusting, vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher, etc. sarah and i quietly worked side by side, quickly checking off the tasks hoping we could get out of there before the lizzie mcguire marathon ended. when we had completed everything, we proudly presented the check list to the woman and started inching our way towards the door. and then it happened. three words were uttered that would forever change our lives "one more thing..." she led us back to her and her husband's bedroom and handed each of us a rag and bottle of carpet cleaner. "there are some spots on the floor that i need you to take care of, right there by the bed. my husband has tried getting them out but as you can tell, hasn't been very successful. so i thought you girls could give it a try." she walked out of the room and we both stood there, completely livid that we had to do one more freaking chore. we started scrubbing away at those everloving stains that just wouldn't lift. where was oxy-clean when you needed it??!?! after an annoyingly long period of time, we decided to take a break and when we stood up, we found ourselves directly in front of her dresser. and there it was. staring us in the face was a giant bottle of KY warming liquid. with the innocence that any good little twelve year old girl should have, we quizzically looked at each other. "what is that?" "i don't know. it sounds weird though." "just read the label, maybe it says what it does." this is the part where our eyes became the size of dinner plates. "i want to go home." "me too." we booked it out of her bedroom as fast as our little legs could carry us and ran into the old lady. "are you girls all done?" "uuuhm yeah um yeah um sarah you gonna call your mom now? ummm here's your washrags. we can just wait outside till her mom comes." we kept our eyes on the ground and walked outside, where we sat down on the curb, and stared at the gravel. silence crept over us and carried into the car ride home. "did you girls have a good time?" and that's the end of my story. 

you guys i feel awkward for all of you right now. but i just needed you all to know this story so you can have sympathy for my sad life. sarah's too. we were traumatized at a young age and we've been carrying this around for years. but i think we turned out all right. 

post script: last sunday i ran into this elderly lady. our conversation was basically just me saying ummm a lot and staring at the floor. i don't think i've made eye contact with her since that dreadful, dreadful day. 

this post has a lot of words. if you're here for pretty pictures might i suggest pinterest?

this is a new segment i like to call: book reports.

there's this girl named bella and she has aspergers so she moves to a new city. she smells really good to this one guy who turns out to be a vampire. then he goes all lifetime movie on her and says he loves her and he's never letting her go and the whole time i was all "ummmm that's a red flag honey. this kid is possessive. plus he wants to drink your blood." they keep hanging out and doing science projects together in class because they really want to win this old onion that has been spray painted gold. i don't really remember how but bella figures out that this kid is a vampire and she's fine with it because she's a total attention whore/masochist. then one night they kiss and the vampire is all "we can't do this. i could hurt you." and then bella is all stuttering and her inner monologue is saying really weird words like "desire, burning, heat, lips...." and then everyone gets uncomfortable. the vampire kid invites her to meet his family and they go play baseball and that's when the S hits the fan. some other vamps show up and are all "hey she smells really good." and the vampire kid and his family start growling or something and they're all "no. go away." and then the bad vamps are like "we'll be back." and then they do some stuff to trick bella and she falls for it (aspergers) and somehow she ends up in phoenix at a dance studio and one of the bad vampires is there and says that he's gonna kill her and bella is like "NO!" and then her vampire boyfriend shows up with his bros and they kill the bad one. and then they go to prom and she's like "i don't dance. plus this dress looks stupid." and then they kiss at the dance and then her indian friend shows up straight from the rez and is like "your bf is lame. you should date me."

bella and her crazy adventures are baaaaaack!!!! this time she has a birthday and gets super ticked about it because she doesn't want to be an old lady macking on an immortal vamp who never ages. her bf throws her a party and she opens a present and slices her finger. oh bells. will you silly klutz, will you never learn?! blood starts to ooze and the whole vampire fam goes insane. except for her bf's fake dad who's a doctor. the vampire kid gets all sad and realizes he's putting her in danger so he takes her for a walk in the forest. totally normal. then he's all "bella i have to leave this place." and bella is all "i'll come with you!" this is the part where you start to feel really awkward because this girl just doesn't get it. is it the aspergers? most likely. then her bf is all "no. i don't want you to come. bye." and he walks away really fast. then bella gets super bummed and slips into a depression. one night she goes to a movie with one of her girl friends and decides to ride on a motorcycle with some dude standing outside a bar. she gets on and goes all girl interrupted and starts hearing the vampire kid's voice and he's like "stop doing dangerous stuff." bella decides to buy a motorcycle and calls her friend on the rez to fix it up. she goes to visit him and he has totally gone through puberty since she saw him last and she's all "hubba hubba!" so they start to hang out and she gets happy again and any sane person reading the book is obviously rooting for this kid. they go to a movie and he gets sick and she goes to visit him a couple of days later and he's gotten even more buff. he acts weird and she's worried her aspergers is contagious. it takes her a while but she finally realizes that the buff kid is a werewolf and she's like "why can't my life be normal?" and then she pulls her hair like the cathy cartoon and is all "aack!" her buff friend starts acting like her vampire boyfriend and says "it's too dangerous for you to be around me." and bella quotes that one part of the lion king where simba says he laughs in the face of danger. so they keep hanging out and they start to flirt h-core and i started getting happy for her because she wasn't that depressed anymore. but then her stupid vampire boyfriend gets all suicidal and decides to have these italian vampires kill him and bella wigs out and totally blows off her buff guy and goes to italy and finds her bf and they kiss and then come back home. the buff guy is totally ticked off and then bella's bf proposes.

bella and her boyfriend are still loving on each other and her buff indian friend is still loving from afar. some bad vampire with red hair decides she wants to kill bella and the werewolves and vamps form an alliance. kind of like survivor only without the immunity challenges and tribal councils. the practice fighting and the vamps know some sweet kung fu moves and the wolves howl and show their teeth. bella is all awkward and mopey and the night before the big battle royale the vamp gives her an engagement ring. she tries to seduce him and do the deed and the vampire kid is all "no. not till we're married." he scored a point for that. whoever said chivalry is dead?! the next day they go to the mountain to kill each other and both parties start snapping and dance fighting like the jets and sharks. not really but that would have been awesome. bella tells her buff indian friend to take her to the top of  the mountain and for some strange reason they end up sleeping together in a tent? something about werewolf body heat and hypothermia. the next morning the vamp kid goes off to fight some more and then the buff guy is about to leave and bella turns into a hoe and is all "wait! kiss me." WTF. he slips her some trademark wolf tongue and runs off to fight. the red head vamp finds bella and then her bf shows up and rescues her. AGAIN. these books are kind of redundant. meanwhile the buff indian kid gets injured in his werewolf state. vamp bf's pretend doctor father sets his bones and bella goes to visit him. i don't remember what they talk about but i want to say they don't end up kissing....if i remember correctly. vamp bf and bells talk about marriage some more and then makeout or something.

this is the worst book in the series. bella and her bf get married and the first half of the book talks about all of their bed breaking sexcapades. old moms love this crap. bella gets pregnant on their honeymoon and her vamp husband starts freaking out and is all "we have to get this baby out of you!" i don't know if he's just really overprotective or just really liberal. tomato tomawto. they go back home and the baby has grown a ton because it's a mutant. bella tells her dad and other people she's pregs and then she gets really sick because the baby is eating her insides or something. her buff indian friend comes to see her and is livid. probably because he never got a chance to tap that. bella has her half vampire half asperger baby and then is like "hey husband. turn me into a vampire now." and he's like "ok" so he bites her and she morphs like a champ. then they have more sexcapades only this time as vampires. whatever. her baby grows old really fast and i think when she birthed it, it came out with a full set of teeth. but don't quote me on that. her indian friend sees the baby and is all  "woah! i think i want to marry your kid. i'll tell my body to stop aging until she's legal and everything is consensual and then we'll live happily ever after." and then bella is like "gross! you're a predator, get away from my mutant baby." and then the buff guy is all "oh bella. it's just a werewolf thing. it's perfectly fine." and then bella says "k whatevs. i'm gonna go do sexy vampire things." then i don't remember what happens because i was scarred for life but i'm pretty sure everything ends up being mediocre/fine.

good grief i'm so over blogging.

everyone look at these pictures i found on my computer.

this is a bird perched in a tree.

this is me saying something.

this is my mom and dog being all whatever.

this is hilary hiding her braces with a closed mouth smile.

this is us drinking orange juice.

this is me with a taxi cab coming out of my neck.

this is hilary being scared of pigeons.

read this stuff because it will make you more smarter.

i know a lot of stuff about television because i'm really cultured and do smart people things like watch a lot of televsion. this is the stuff i've learned from all this productivity.

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

i would just like to start off by saying how much this show makes me want to kill everything in plain sight. it's so loud and i'm not talking about nick cannon's suits. ZING!!!!!!!! lolzzz. but seriously guys. it hurts my ears. plus the producers make the audience look like a bunch of effing idiots. they're either clapping or crying or doing both. ALL THE TIME. i feel like i'm tripping on acid when i watch this. so i usually don't but sometimes i do and that's when i get angry. basically what i'm trying to say is that this show gives me anxiety.

look at these morons.

look at these other morons.

look at this moron.

THE BACHELORETTE

ashley:

she loves fake eye lashes and boys named bentley. also her stylist should be shot.

ames:

if he had a british accent it would all make sense.

jp:

the only downside to this guy is that he has bad taste in women.



lucas:

he's a real man because he's awkward in front of the camera and wears running shoes with everything. also he loves red meat. (i do not know this fact to be true. i might have made it up. but he totally seems like the type)

mary-kate and ashley:

fraternal. not identical.

bentley:

 

this is a perfect example of why utah sucks so hard.

jeff:

autism.

KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS

this show would be a lot better if this wet blanket wasn't in it.

this post was stupid. but i'm not apologizing for it. and now if you'll excuse me i have to go clean out my tivo.

~featured~

lots of times i find myself procrastinating my life away by perusing blogs and the blogger girls are always talking about how they're featured on some other blog. and i don't really know what the eff that means. i think it's like an interview or something? like they're playing celebrity? "marie claire sits down with _____ over a fresh bowl of mixed greens, poached salmon, and a white wine spritzer to talk crash diets, fashion, and what else....boys!" sometimes i'm like "why am i not invited to pretend to be famous and talk about these things?" and then i remember who i am and am all "oh. right." and then i go eat a doughnut or something.

but today i am taking a stand. i, morgan wood, am conducting my own "featured interview" on my own blog. i understand that this is groundbreaking and extremely prestigious. and maybe one day, i will randomly choose someone out of my three followers (one of which is my mom) and feature them on my blog where they will have the opportunity to dish. are you ready ladies????????

........................................................................................................................................................

fresh off her latest blogger win, i sit down with the blog world's newest it girl, morgan wood. she arrives fashionably late (a short six hours) with her team in tow. wearing a RDHGBDKOIF dress and froiclaffjaikljd shoes, from his latest collection i might add, (LUST!) she is the epitome of that one french word.

interview person: morgan, first off i just want to start by saying how pretty you are.

morgan: thanks.

interview person: so tell me, what inspired you to start this blog?

morgan: how much people suck. that's what inspired me.

pause. sometimes in fancy interviews they do something cool and start using initials. guess who has two thumbs and thinks she's cool enough to do that?

i.p: tell me, how do you put your outfits together? is there a trick to dressing like you?

m: i just go to my closet and pick stuff out. sometimes i match.

i.p: you recently had a real iconic moment when you wore this number.

m: yeah, people were really inspired by this look. funny enough, i didn't even have a stylist help me.

i.p: really? wow! i'm so impressed!

m: yeah, everything in my life just comes really easy for me.

i.p: you're known for your fashion posts,----m rudely interrupts: no i'm not.

i.p: ......you take pictures of your outfits and tell everyone where you got each piece. can you tell me about that?

m: i don't do that. but if you want me to, i will.

i.p: aboslutely! the readers would love that.

m: alright, well....i like to call this first look 'where's waldo'. i got the shirt at some store and the jeans at another store.

i.p: this is just a crappy drawing you did on your computer.

m: no it's not.

m: my second look is a little more dressy. you can wear it on like a date or somewhere that requires not sweatpants. also, you should probably shave your legs with an outfit like this. sometimes, i all the time forget to do that.

i.p: clearly this is a false representation of yourself. you even took the time to draw boobs?!?

m: THIS IS MY INTERVIEW, I'LL DO WHATEVER THE EFF I WANT.

i.p: .....................

m: *holding eye contact like a champ*

i.p: ok, well let's move on then.

m: yes. let's.

i.p: are there any diet tips you might want to share?

m: no. i still don't even know what that word means.

i.p: what about beauty secrets? any little tidbits that might help your readers?

m: ummmmm....sure. always carry an extra set of tweezers in your purse. you never know when that stray chin hair will pop up. uhhhh don't bite your nails. bloody stubs aren't that attractive. oh! and drink lots of soda, i hear it's really good for your skin.

i.p: actually, i think you have it backwards. soda is actually really bad for your skin.

m: no further questions.