why BoYzZ were obsessed with me and other brags about my life.

when i was in high school i went through what the medical field calls "puberty." this is just a fancy word for having to wear a bra and yelling at your parents all the time. i had always been fairly tall as a kid, but when those hormones kicked in, i shot up like a junkie on heroine. (that means i got even taller). i was nothing but long limbs. and i had no idea what to do with them. you know when there's a baby horse learning how to walk? and you know those blow up balloon people outside of car dealerships?

they look like this for all the idiots out there that don't know what i'm talking about.

combine the two and you have me.

not only was i a stumbling, fumbling, bumbling mess of arms and legs, but i was also forced into wearing braces and a big girl bra that i couldn't fill out even when there was an entire package of kleenex stuffed in there.

webster's dictionary defines "sexy" as: morgan at age 14.

to top it off, i had (and still have) a mouth. and i knew how to use it. unfortunately for me, what i found funny and what other kids my age found funny were completely different. not to mention, i was a girl. therefore any quick-witted remark i made (which was quite often) was either ignored out sheer ignorance or ignored because the cute boy next to me was in the middle of telling some lame story about doing a 180 at the skate park.

i felt soooooo missundaztood!!!!

when i was 16, everyone started going on dates. everyone that is, except me. at this point i had perfected the art of sarcasm. and it would take me years to learn that this is not an attractive quality in girls. who would've thunk? boys didn't like it when i one upped them in front of their broskies and i didn't like it when they STOLE MY JOKES AND GOT BIGGER LAUGHS THAN ME. (you know who you are.) so that's when i went all "new-age feminist hippie, grow one single dread lock and hide it under your curls until your mom sees it and attacks you with a pair of scissors, read lots of gloria steinam, and yell mean things at boys out the window of your chevy tracker." like "YOU'RE NOT FUNNY." and "IF YOU DON'T ANSWER MY FRIEND TO THE DANCE I'LL ATTACK YOU IN YOUR SLEEP AND SHAVE OFF YOUR EYEBROW. THAT'S RIGHT, JUST ONE." things like that. also, i think i might have made a couple of intimidating threats. something about castration? but i don't really remember. it's whatevs.

luckily, i had no desire to date. and i'm 100% serious. if you are a boy that i went to high school with, chances are, i loathed you. sorry gentleman. it wasn't you. it was me....(it was you though. because i'm always right.) sure there was the occasional crush, but only because they helped me cheat on spanish tests or helped me change that flat tire i got for driving out of the seminary parking lot too fast because i was ditching. i never said i was perfect, ok? but those crushes only lasted as long as it took to cheat/change the tire. and then i was over it. i did however have puppy love for a boy that went to a different school. we swam together on our club team (did i mention i was an h-core swimmer? which meant i had man shoulders. which meant i thought i could beat the boys up.) this puppy love lasted for two years. we only talked at practice, in between the lane lines, for like 5 minutes a day. so....basically we were pretty serious. he started texting me one day and i just knew that he was in love with me too. turns out, one of my other teammates had let it slip that i was planning our wedding so he sent me a few pity texts. ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after high school, i was still proudly wearing my feminist badge. one day i received a letter in the mail from a dear friend of mine who was serving a misson. he made the mistake of sending me the returned missionary dating application. and i made the mistake of reading it. if someone made a movie based off of this part of my life, it would probably be titled "morgan: a hilarious and ostentatious little B word" more or less. in lieu of filling this out, i wrote a ridiculously long, and overly dramatic essay that i thought was hilarious and not intimidating in the least. i don't remember everything it said, but i do remember the thesis statement was "i may have child bearing hips, but the width of my hips does not correalate to my cooking skills or knowledge of starching a collar." i was a barrel of laughs you guys!!! who wouldn't want to hang out with me!

am i right?

guys?

hey guys?

you still there?

anyway. basically all i'm trying to say/brag about is how many boys love me and how many of them secretly wanted to smooch me in high school. and now i think all you boys should all come clean. it's ok if you kissed my yearbook picture every night. or memorized my class schedule.

and don't ever forget that one time i was voted "highland's biggest flirt"*

until next time.

-morgan.

*not true.