October 2, 2011

this post has a lot of words. if you're here for pretty pictures might i suggest pinterest?

this is a new segment i like to call: book reports.

there's this girl named bella and she has aspergers so she moves to a new city. she smells really good to this one guy who turns out to be a vampire. then he goes all lifetime movie on her and says he loves her and he's never letting her go and the whole time i was all "ummmm that's a red flag honey. this kid is possessive. plus he wants to drink your blood." they keep hanging out and doing science projects together in class because they really want to win this old onion that has been spray painted gold. i don't really remember how but bella figures out that this kid is a vampire and she's fine with it because she's a total attention whore/masochist. then one night they kiss and the vampire is all "we can't do this. i could hurt you." and then bella is all stuttering and her inner monologue is saying really weird words like "desire, burning, heat, lips...." and then everyone gets uncomfortable. the vampire kid invites her to meet his family and they go play baseball and that's when the S hits the fan. some other vamps show up and are all "hey she smells really good." and the vampire kid and his family start growling or something and they're all "no. go away." and then the bad vamps are like "we'll be back." and then they do some stuff to trick bella and she falls for it (aspergers) and somehow she ends up in phoenix at a dance studio and one of the bad vampires is there and says that he's gonna kill her and bella is like "NO!" and then her vampire boyfriend shows up with his bros and they kill the bad one. and then they go to prom and she's like "i don't dance. plus this dress looks stupid." and then they kiss at the dance and then her indian friend shows up straight from the rez and is like "your bf is lame. you should date me."

bella and her crazy adventures are baaaaaack!!!! this time she has a birthday and gets super ticked about it because she doesn't want to be an old lady macking on an immortal vamp who never ages. her bf throws her a party and she opens a present and slices her finger. oh bells. will you silly klutz, will you never learn?! blood starts to ooze and the whole vampire fam goes insane. except for her bf's fake dad who's a doctor. the vampire kid gets all sad and realizes he's putting her in danger so he takes her for a walk in the forest. totally normal. then he's all "bella i have to leave this place." and bella is all "i'll come with you!" this is the part where you start to feel really awkward because this girl just doesn't get it. is it the aspergers? most likely. then her bf is all "no. i don't want you to come. bye." and he walks away really fast. then bella gets super bummed and slips into a depression. one night she goes to a movie with one of her girl friends and decides to ride on a motorcycle with some dude standing outside a bar. she gets on and goes all girl interrupted and starts hearing the vampire kid's voice and he's like "stop doing dangerous stuff." bella decides to buy a motorcycle and calls her friend on the rez to fix it up. she goes to visit him and he has totally gone through puberty since she saw him last and she's all "hubba hubba!" so they start to hang out and she gets happy again and any sane person reading the book is obviously rooting for this kid. they go to a movie and he gets sick and she goes to visit him a couple of days later and he's gotten even more buff. he acts weird and she's worried her aspergers is contagious. it takes her a while but she finally realizes that the buff kid is a werewolf and she's like "why can't my life be normal?" and then she pulls her hair like the cathy cartoon and is all "aack!" her buff friend starts acting like her vampire boyfriend and says "it's too dangerous for you to be around me." and bella quotes that one part of the lion king where simba says he laughs in the face of danger. so they keep hanging out and they start to flirt h-core and i started getting happy for her because she wasn't that depressed anymore. but then her stupid vampire boyfriend gets all suicidal and decides to have these italian vampires kill him and bella wigs out and totally blows off her buff guy and goes to italy and finds her bf and they kiss and then come back home. the buff guy is totally ticked off and then bella's bf proposes.

bella and her boyfriend are still loving on each other and her buff indian friend is still loving from afar. some bad vampire with red hair decides she wants to kill bella and the werewolves and vamps form an alliance. kind of like survivor only without the immunity challenges and tribal councils. the practice fighting and the vamps know some sweet kung fu moves and the wolves howl and show their teeth. bella is all awkward and mopey and the night before the big battle royale the vamp gives her an engagement ring. she tries to seduce him and do the deed and the vampire kid is all "no. not till we're married." he scored a point for that. whoever said chivalry is dead?! the next day they go to the mountain to kill each other and both parties start snapping and dance fighting like the jets and sharks. not really but that would have been awesome. bella tells her buff indian friend to take her to the top of  the mountain and for some strange reason they end up sleeping together in a tent? something about werewolf body heat and hypothermia. the next morning the vamp kid goes off to fight some more and then the buff guy is about to leave and bella turns into a hoe and is all "wait! kiss me." WTF. he slips her some trademark wolf tongue and runs off to fight. the red head vamp finds bella and then her bf shows up and rescues her. AGAIN. these books are kind of redundant. meanwhile the buff indian kid gets injured in his werewolf state. vamp bf's pretend doctor father sets his bones and bella goes to visit him. i don't remember what they talk about but i want to say they don't end up kissing....if i remember correctly. vamp bf and bells talk about marriage some more and then makeout or something.

this is the worst book in the series. bella and her bf get married and the first half of the book talks about all of their bed breaking sexcapades. old moms love this crap. bella gets pregnant on their honeymoon and her vamp husband starts freaking out and is all "we have to get this baby out of you!" i don't know if he's just really overprotective or just really liberal. tomato tomawto. they go back home and the baby has grown a ton because it's a mutant. bella tells her dad and other people she's pregs and then she gets really sick because the baby is eating her insides or something. her buff indian friend comes to see her and is livid. probably because he never got a chance to tap that. bella has her half vampire half asperger baby and then is like "hey husband. turn me into a vampire now." and he's like "ok" so he bites her and she morphs like a champ. then they have more sexcapades only this time as vampires. whatever. her baby grows old really fast and i think when she birthed it, it came out with a full set of teeth. but don't quote me on that. her indian friend sees the baby and is all  "woah! i think i want to marry your kid. i'll tell my body to stop aging until she's legal and everything is consensual and then we'll live happily ever after." and then bella is like "gross! you're a predator, get away from my mutant baby." and then the buff guy is all "oh bella. it's just a werewolf thing. it's perfectly fine." and then bella says "k whatevs. i'm gonna go do sexy vampire things." then i don't remember what happens because i was scarred for life but i'm pretty sure everything ends up being mediocre/fine.


Andrea said...

I almost want to read these again. And when I say "read", I mean "listen to the book on tape, but only if it's recorded by you, and you've broken it down into what it really is, but not like in a creepy way or anything like that." You know?

Anonymous said...

i quite enjoyed this. not.

bob said...

it's nice to see an anonymous comment that reminds us how funny it can be to set up an expectation and then shatter it to bits by appending the word "not" to the end of it! refreshing to see somebody contextualize borat humor for blogger.

also- i quite enjoyed NOT this.

Beth said...

The twilight books are on my list of never-to-read. and you just confirmed this, yikes they sound awful. titanic is on jared's list of never to watch. I've been trying to get him to watch it for a long time but I don't think he will budge.