November 16, 2011

if you're easily offended, then please don't read this.

nobody asked me to update this thing but i'm doing it anyway. i want to tell a story that is rated PG-13. if the words "KY warming liquid" offend any of you, then stop effing reading. when i was twelve years old i graduated primary and entered the young women's program. this is a huge milestone for any young LDS girl because being in young women's means you get to feel insecure all the time and go to girls camp every summer. my first summer in young women's was nearing which meant it was almost time for GIRLS CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!! aka the worst three days of any normal human being's life. every week our leaders would remind us that we needed to raise money for camp and they would always have different suggestions for us. i don't remember how exactly, but my best friend sarah trott and i were somehow forced into going over to some old lady's house for slave labor. "she'll pay you girls and maybe treat you to breakfast!!!" (five bucks, a stale granola bar, and warm tap water.) sarah's mom dropped us off at this elderly woman's house bright and early on a saturday morning and i still remember walking into that dark, musty house and hearing the car drive away. we were stranded. the lady greeted us with a long list of chores and quickly put us to work. the tasks started out simple: dusting, vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher, etc. sarah and i quietly worked side by side, quickly checking off the tasks hoping we could get out of there before the lizzie mcguire marathon ended. when we had completed everything, we proudly presented the check list to the woman and started inching our way towards the door. and then it happened. three words were uttered that would forever change our lives "one more thing..." she led us back to her and her husband's bedroom and handed each of us a rag and bottle of carpet cleaner. "there are some spots on the floor that i need you to take care of, right there by the bed. my husband has tried getting them out but as you can tell, hasn't been very successful. so i thought you girls could give it a try." she walked out of the room and we both stood there, completely livid that we had to do one more freaking chore. we started scrubbing away at those everloving stains that just wouldn't lift. where was oxy-clean when you needed it??!?! after an annoyingly long period of time, we decided to take a break and when we stood up, we found ourselves directly in front of her dresser. and there it was. staring us in the face was a giant bottle of KY warming liquid. with the innocence that any good little twelve year old girl should have, we quizzically looked at each other. "what is that?" "i don't know. it sounds weird though." "just read the label, maybe it says what it does." this is the part where our eyes became the size of dinner plates. "i want to go home." "me too." we booked it out of her bedroom as fast as our little legs could carry us and ran into the old lady. "are you girls all done?" "uuuhm yeah um yeah um sarah you gonna call your mom now? ummm here's your washrags. we can just wait outside till her mom comes." we kept our eyes on the ground and walked outside, where we sat down on the curb, and stared at the gravel. silence crept over us and carried into the car ride home. "did you girls have a good time?" and that's the end of my story. 

you guys i feel awkward for all of you right now. but i just needed you all to know this story so you can have sympathy for my sad life. sarah's too. we were traumatized at a young age and we've been carrying this around for years. but i think we turned out all right. 

post script: last sunday i ran into this elderly lady. our conversation was basically just me saying ummm a lot and staring at the floor. i don't think i've made eye contact with her since that dreadful, dreadful day. 


mandyface said...

Love me some old lady skank.

Matt said...

Okay, so k-y warming is crap. I can give you some glowing reviews on much better lube if the fancy for you to hear said reviews ever suddenly hits.
And by the way, how come you have never done a blog post on me? I am a very interesting person. I will be impatiently waiting for this to happen

Anonymous said...

so...the stains were semen, right?

Matt said...

Earlier comment was from cirina, not Matt. Eiwww, kind of creeper if it had been from Matt.