March 2, 2012

you guys probably won't even understand any of this.

there needs to be new stuff to read on this thing. you guys listen to me i have important things i want to say. holy crap it's already march. you know that thing people do at the beginning of every year where they talk non stop about going on a diet or learning a new language or other lame stuff. i'm always just like "k stop it. can't we all just bask in each other's mediocrity?" new years resolutions are so gay. except when i make them. i only made one resolution this year: become as pretentious as humanly possible. there are a lot of things that go into this and i'm only going to share a few tips with you because i honestly don't care that much. being pretentious is a way of life. it takes emotional commitment. it's strenuous and tests you; mind, body, and soul. you guys seriously wouldn't understand, it's just's.....i can't even right now. none of you can see me, but i just rolled my eyes. 

here are a few examples of my chic behavior. 

sending this picture taken with my iPhone to a select few with the caption "i don't know what's better, the zero calories i'm going to consume today or the fact that i just mastered this piece in like four minutes." 

showing up late to EVERYTHING with no excuse to back me up. 

wearing my sunglasses inside and forgetting to smile. people then ask me "are you ok? are you sick? what's going on?" and that's when i rub so much fancy people stuff in their face. "oh i'm fine. i'm just really tired. i was up late last night reading the bell jar. have you read it? when i was in europe i visited this underground gallery, i dated the curator for a spell so he got me in for free, and there was this exhibit featured where all of the work was inspired by the words of ms. plath herself. it was whatever." and then i slowly take my sunglasses off and polish them on my $800 dollar shirt all while never making eye contact. 

never dressing up when i'm supposed to and over dressing when i'm not.

correcting people's grammar.

saying things like "you've probably never heard of it." "i can't. i have this thing i have to be at." "you've probably never seen it." "take it from me, being someone's muse is kind of overrated." "you've probably never read it." "i don't have time to for tv." "you've probably never been there." "no one gets me."

taking 20 seconds to answer someone's question. 

name dropping.

counting all my money.

i'm so over this.


Anonymous said...

I love you

{B} said...

but you're so good at it! you make me laugh, please don't stop. :)