May 15, 2012

help demanded. inquire within.

i hate it when magazines rag on celebrities for being all high maintenance and having ridiculous demands. if i had that kind of power i would totally abuse it too. there are so many things in my life that i would be great at making other people do instead. i've wasted dedicated a lot of time thinking about how i would manipulate people into being my personal assistant and what their job would entail. this is just a rough outline though so calm down.

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PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO MORGAN MARILYN WOOD

BY SIGNING THIS CONTRACT I HEREBY AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS & CONDITIONS:

1. miss wood would like to be referred to as "the temptress empress".

2. no eye contact whatsoever.

3. the weather can cause miss wood to be temperamental. you need to be prepared to cater to her needs if and when she calls upon you. this may include buckling her seat belt when it's too hot, commanding the rain to cease, driving to the nearest quick trip twelve times a day to replenish her thirst, telling her she looks pretty when the dry, cold air causes her hair to suffer from static electricity, etc, etc. 

4. laugh at her jokes even when they're not funny. she needs to be validated twenty four-seven otherwise she will slip into a deep depression.

5. when she has received a voice mail it is your job to listen to it, delete it, and then relay the message to her. she hates to be bothered with human interaction as well as the little red notifications that pop up on her iphone. THOSE RED NOTIFICATIONS SHOULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN CARE OF BEFORE SHE LOOKS AT HER PHONE.
this is a no no

6. everyday at four o' clock she will need an ice cold diet coke. she will only drink it if there is pebbled ice and is in a soft styrofoam cup. never ever give her a bendy straw.

7. every wednesday is beauty day. it is imperative that she has completed her facial before her cuticle specialist arrives.

8. miss wood tends to overreact ninety percent of the time. it is your job to justify her behavior and ratify her emotions. examples: if she gets teary eyed while talking about titanic, an appropriate response would be asking if she would like to watch it while braiding her hair. if she gets angry because someone cuts her off in traffic, stay quiet and let her yell out a few choice words. then applaud her for being honest with her emotions. if she has a bad face day, stroke her ego until she semi blushes and then text her pictures of ryan gosling.

9. keep her car clean at all times. she has a tendency to hoard things. just last month numerous odds and ends were acquired when giving her chevrolet tracker a deep spring cleaning.


10. never bring miss wood around horses or high school girls. you will be terminated immediately.


COMPENSATION:

you will be paid never and benefits are trite compliments and a handful aspirin if you have a sick day. 

21 comments:

Erica and Jake said...

I am so honored to have my crappy sewing class potholder featured.

Krystal MacMillan said...

Haha haha & haha. Youre hilarious and so dedicated. I applaud you

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